Posts Tagged ‘movies’

Y’know what’s disturbing?

{ January 29, 2009 @ 8:24 am } · { Uncategorized }
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It’s Awards Season, which means in my household, it’s Screener Season (thank you, Dad, for your chosen career).

The bitch? There are only two movies I really, really, REALLY wanted to see: Milk and The Wrestler And of course, we received NEITHER of them. GAH.

I will admit that both are guilty pleasures for me:

The Wrestler– I am SUCH a sucker for a working-class-underdog-makes-good story.

Milk– I am SUCH a sucker for Diego Luna getting nekkid and having sex with Sean Penn.

…………

…what?!

Anyway, neither of them are here, which saddens me because I really really want to see Diego Luna have gay sex with Sean Penn have heard they’re both incredibly good. It’s been slim pickings this year (apart from Robert Downey Jr. and Kate Winslet’s various roles– the two most brilliant actors of their generation. It was great to hear Jack & Rose screaming at  each other about their respective affairs.They got off the boat and life went downhill from there.It was so cathartic!). Aside from the coverage that People would be  contractually obliged to give them, there is NO reason “Brangelina” should both be nominated. Gah!

Now, the “disturbing” thing I mentioned? Be warned! This is a photograph of pre-The Wrestler, pre-Sin City, pre-Once Upon a Time in Mexico Mickey Rourke. BRACE YOURSELVES. This will not be easy… … continue reading this entry.

Life is Good if Incoherent (or: Why I Want to Have Jason Statham’s Babies)

{ April 11, 2008 @ 4:45 am } · { Uncategorized }
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As anyone who knows me…uh, knows…I love me a good action film. Or a bad action film. Or a cheezy one. Y’know, let’s get all pretensions out of the way: I love schlocky action movies. Pointless explosions? YES! More growling than actual dialog? Give it to me, baby! Car chases and bloodied battles that have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE AS TO WHY THEY EXIST? C’mon, who needs rationality?

So, for this reason, I love Jason Statham movies more than anything in the world. Seriously, I would watch him read a phone book, then rip it apart with his bare hands, while wrestling a tiger and twelve ninjas, in a hot air balloon. I am pretty sure that I am going to actually see this as a plot in one of his movies pretty soon, they exist simply as exercises  in, “there’s no excuse for this to happen, but DAMN it looks cool!”

So hearing that there’s not one, but TWO sequels planned for two of his franchises, including one where his character clearly DIED IN THE END coming out? Oh, sweet merciful God! I mean, come on, read this synopsis for ‘Crank 2: High Voltage’ (‘Crank’ being the said ‘died-in-the-end’ film. No, part 2′s not a prequel):

“A sequel to Crank, titled Crank 2: High Voltage has been confirmed by the writers and directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine. In Crank 2, Chelios will face a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered heart that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working.”

Do you understand the pure beautiful insanity that is required for something like this? Suspension of disbelief doesn’t even play into it. You have to have no sense of rational belief whatsoever and it helps if you never developed one in the first place. If you still believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Boogeyman, that makes so much more sense than believing anything you watch in a Jason Statham movie.

Come on. Chev Chelios is a hitman. Played by Jason Statham. Who died in the last movie. And now has a Chinese mobster…stealing his heart…and replacing it with a BATTERY POWERED HEART THAT REQUIRES JOLTS OF ELECTRICITY TO KEEP WORKING.

BATTERY-POWERED HEART SWAPPAGE, PEOPLE.

In the words of my friend Monkey, “I’m already in line”.

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