As anyone who knows me…uh, knows…I love me a good action film. Or a bad action film. Or a cheezy one. Y’know, let’s get all pretensions out of the way: I love schlocky action movies. Pointless explosions? YES! More growling than actual dialog? Give it to me, baby! Car chases and bloodied battles that have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE AS TO WHY THEY EXIST? C’mon, who needs rationality?
So, for this reason, I love Jason Statham movies more than anything in the world. Seriously, I would watch him read a phone book, then rip it apart with his bare hands, while wrestling a tiger and twelve ninjas, in a hot air balloon. I am pretty sure that I am going to actually see this as a plot in one of his movies pretty soon, they exist simply as exercises in, “there’s no excuse for this to happen, but DAMN it looks cool!”
So hearing that there’s not one, but TWO sequels planned for two of his franchises, including one where his character clearly DIED IN THE END coming out? Oh, sweet merciful God! I mean, come on, read this synopsis for ‘Crank 2: High Voltage’ (‘Crank’ being the said ‘died-in-the-end’ film. No, part 2′s not a prequel):
“A sequel to Crank, titled Crank 2: High Voltage has been confirmed by the writers and directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine. In Crank 2, Chelios will face a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered heart that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working.”
Do you understand the pure beautiful insanity that is required for something like this? Suspension of disbelief doesn’t even play into it. You have to have no sense of rational belief whatsoever and it helps if you never developed one in the first place. If you still believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Boogeyman, that makes so much more sense than believing anything you watch in a Jason Statham movie.
Come on. Chev Chelios is a hitman. Played by Jason Statham. Who died in the last movie. And now has a Chinese mobster…stealing his heart…and replacing it with a BATTERY POWERED HEART THAT REQUIRES JOLTS OF ELECTRICITY TO KEEP WORKING.
BATTERY-POWERED HEART SWAPPAGE, PEOPLE.
In the words of my friend Monkey, “I’m already in line”.
